Thursday, November 24, 2011

Sometimes when I say IM OKAY I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say I know you're not.

Here's to all the girls who used to be his number one. The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check your phone the next morning & be disappointed. The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, & moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened. Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because deep down, you knew exactly where this phone call was going. The ones who listened to him say, "I think it’s better that we just be friends" one day, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves & misses you. We deserve better. This is our tribute. Here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time would be different, hoping that maybe people really do change.  We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught crap from our parents, & even snuck out countless times just to see him for while, because 2AM had become the only time of his you were worthy of. We started this out thinking we would be just friends, & ended up falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. This is for us. Here's to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days. Here's for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn't possibly call us at that moment or even that he fell asleep early. We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. We learned to settle for someone who didn't treat us the way we should be treated. Here's for the ones who did their hair and makeup & put on their prettiest earrings, only to hear him say that he couldn't see us today. The ones who tried to, but just couldn’t quite believe it when people told us there might be someone else… even when we told ourselves there might be someone else. For the girls who believed he couldn’t do it to us again. This is for those great girls, who loved him more than words can say, & took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn't bear to think about looking back on their lives one day & wondering "what if." This is for us girls who somehow managed to live through him telling us one day “no other girl could ever compare to you,” only to have him ignore us for the next month. Here's to the girls who couldn't cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt. The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again. This is for the ones who couldn't bear to even tell their moms what was going on. The ones that could just tell that were making a mistake by allowing him into their hearts & their dreams again, yet somehow still had hope. We knew that we deserved better the entire time; that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. We just wanted the one that we loved like that. Here's for the time that he broke your heart again. This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, & the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment. Here are for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better. This is for those confusing days, when you miss him & want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. Stay strong and remember that relationships are like broken glass: sometimes it's better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together & (inevitably) get hurt. Remember the times you cried & how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that. When a song that reminds you of him comes on the radio, turn the station. When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made & tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to your house, don't answer the door. Think of the broken promises and the lies, the manipulation & the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the hell he was and who he was with, and if he was falling in love with someone who wasn’t you. Think of how your heart would jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to. One day you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. It's going to hurt like hell, & it's going to need time to heal but the point is: it will heal. This is for those girls who fell back in love with their ex, only to get hurt all over again. You deserve better. You will find better. Don’t give up.

Monday, November 21, 2011

I rather hear the ugly truth, than a beautiful lie.

I constantly wonder how my life looks in other people's eyes. Do they think I have it easy? Do they think I have nothing going on for myself? Or are the fascinated with who I am? The thing is that no one will ever know my whole story. No one will ever know the things I’ve had to overcome. Not even my closest friends, not even my own family. The thing is that people are so quick to judge now a days. You only see a person from what they want and allow you to see. I always try to look as put together as if can and I guess that's my way of hiding from the truth. It’s just that way, everyone will assume that everything in my life is okay, that I never go through anything. If only everyone knew how broken I am and how I’m holding on for dear life on this one last strand that's recently become very delicate. The truth is that no one really knows me. No one will ever know me and sometimes that scares me, because no one will ever know why I am the way I am.

I had the most wonderful dream

Why didn't I learned to treat everything like it was the last time? My greatest regret was how much I believed in the future.