Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Growth and change may be painful sometimes, but nothing in life is as painful as staying stuck where you don’t belong.

So I am writing to say goodbye. but not forever. I know our paths will meet again. Maybe someday Ill be more mature and better prepared for whatever comes my way, but I cannot handle the pain you have unknowingly caused me these past months.

Don't get me wrong. You have made me very happy just by sharing yourself and your life with me. The memories will stay in my heart forever. From the time we first started going out until now, you have unfailingly shown me how it is to be really cared for and cherished. At the same time you have managed to keep my feet on the ground, always reminding me that my life is my own and no one else’s. I thank you for that. You taught me how fully comprehend what real love is like without even telling me you loved me. Just by showing me in your own way, you made me see how two incompatible persons can actually become real friends and true lovers.

You have kept my feet on the ground and yet showed me how beautiful the stars and skies are.

Whenever I needed your comport and strength, your level-headedness and rationality, you were always there for me. Our relationship has gone through a lot of things ranging from the serious to the stupid. 

No one is to blame. Not you, nor me, nor whoever else is sharing you with me…maybe Im just a victim of circumstance like you. And since the circumstances surrounding our relationship have changed, I don't know any more if I can handle things the same way I've handled them before. Your presence and your help will not matter. Seeing you and being with you when we spend time together gives me a certain kind of happiness only you can give. But every time you leave me, my heart breaks. I am hurting and I have to heal my wounds alone. I cant do this with you in my life.

I will miss you. I will miss you very, very, very much..

I am becoming more critical of you and the things that you do and do not do. I expect you to make up for everything that has happened but i know that is impossible now. I even harbor the hope that you will want me back, something which I know will never happen.

You will forever be a part of my life, thank you for making me a part of yours. I will always remember you with a smile and with wistfulness for being the one responsible for throwing it all away… but I have to go now. I am afraid that if I stay, something will be destroyed; either be part of you, a part of me, our friendship or the relationship itself. I don't really know. At least by leaving now, I am sure that everything remains intact, the relationship beautiful untouched unmarred by jealousy and hatred we both don't deserve a relationship that would always be fraught with questions and conditions.

Thank you for really deciding who you need to be and saying so. You told me the truth even when it was brutally hard; but it was the truth. And my heart knew it. And for telling me the truth, I found compassion and forgiveness. 

We are both on separate journeys; yet, you will always be within me: I owe part of the woman I am now to you. Without you, I would not have had these experiences. I am stronger, clearer, braver. 

You gave me much. Even the tough, the feeling of brokenness (which has healed), for the parts you fell short and I fell short: I'm thankful. 
Now, I know what I need.
What I want.
What I'll accept.
I know how to be better. Different.
You've given me the opportunity to learn to forgive, to practice love unconditionally, for understanding love alone does not make a marriage and nor does a piece of paper. 

Sometimes love means letting go to allow room for a new growth, a new life, to take root. 

No regrets. 

I wish for you what it is you wish for... with my whole heart and much love.